I may not be the psychologist. But I have found and learnt how to accepting and coping with people the way they are. This was the biggest challenge for me and I found endless happiness. I see now, many people struggle with it. They look for ideal people to hang out with, and they get hurt, finding out that the ideal person they are together with, is not what they expected. That is the symptom which tells you that you are struggling being able to accept people for who they are. This means, you have learnt how to quit people and difficult situations, which is holding you and scaring you from going beyond, to pass that obstacle, that awkwardness which is a block, which you have built in years – psychologically.
And now, you are an adult, and yet suffer from your inner criticism. Don’t worry there are certain practices and ways to overcome those obstacles. I came across with Ph. D. holder Dr. Rick Hanson’s post about “Accept them as they are” article on Psychologytoday.com and here I decided to share with you:
“Accepting people does not itself mean agreeing with them, approving of them, waiving your own rights, or downplaying their impact upon you. You can still take appropriate actions to protect or support yourself or others. Or you can simply let people be. Either way, you accept the reality of the other person. You may not like it, you may not prefer it, you may feel sad or angry about it, but at a deeper level, you are at peace with it. That alone is a blessing. And sometimes, your shift to acceptance can help things get better.
Pick someone who is important to you. (You can do this practice with multiple people.) In your mind, out loud, or in writing, say things like these and see how you feel: “I accept you completely. Countless causes, large and small, have led you to think, speak, and act the way you do. You are who you are. I let it be. You are a fact and I accept the facts in my life. You and I are part of a larger whole that is what it is, and I accept it, too.
If you like, be more specific, naming aspects of this person that particularly bother you, such as: “I accept that you . . . snore . . . leave your clothes on the floor . . . are still angry with me . . . have little natural interest in sex . . . are fighting me tooth-and-nail in this divorce . . . don’t really understand me . . . are not a good teacher for my child . . . break the law . . . hurt people on a large scale . . . ” (And remember that you can still disagree with, make requests of, or stand up to other people – while accepting them fully.)
See if you can tolerate what comes up for you when you soften into acceptance. Often we avoid accepting other people as a way to avoid the feelings we’d have if we opened wide to everything they are and everything they’re not.
Consider how you have gotten tangled up with this other person, struggling to change them. When I do this myself, I become aware of my own rightness, positionality, judgments, pushiness, irritability, narrow views, hurts, longings, grievances, or remorse. See if you can let go of some, even all of these entanglements. Open to the easing, relief, and peace that can come when you do.
Consider how much you like it when you feel that another person accepts you completely. It’s a beautiful gift – and we can give it ourselves to others when we accept them. Imagine how it might improve your relationship with someone if that person felt you accepted him or her fully. Acceptance is a gift that gives back. “
Rick Hanson, Ph. D., is a neuropsychologist, Senior Fellow of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, and New York Times best-selling author.
Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence (in 14 languages), Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom (in 25 languages), Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time(in 14 languages), and Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships.
Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, he’s been an invited speaker at Oxford, Stanford, and Harvard, and taught in meditation centers worldwide. A summa cum laude graduate of UCLA, his work has been featured on CBS, BBC, NPR, CBC, FoxBusiness, Consumer Reports Health, U.S. News and World Report,andO Magazine, and he has several audio programs with Sounds True. His weekly e-newsletter – Just One Thing – has over 100,000 subscribers and also appears on Huffington Post, Psychology Today, and other major websites.
I’m happiest in the woods or on the shore, anywhere where I can get back to the feeling of hazy noons